The Wicked Mrs. Gastrell (English version)

I realized that Karina had left the room again but I didn’t move from lying on the bed. She must have thought I was already sleeping.

It has always been like this for the past weeks that we have been together in the same room. She would lay with me on the bed and pretend to sleep. When she sees me breathing evenly, she will kiss me on the forehead and then go out to sleep on the sofa in the living room. She would come back around four in the morning as if nothing had happened and hug me and pretend to be asleep so I wouldn’t get suspicious.

I thought it’s just because she’s not used to having someone in bed with her. I only began to suspect that there is more to it when I woke up in the middle of the night without her by my side. I searched for her in the whole house only to find her in the garden silently crying and drinking. She kept on kissing her necklace while staring at the skies.

I couldn’t explain what I was feeling. It’s like someone punched me in the gut repeatedly. I can’t forget her red sad eyes that are in stark contrast from her naughty wicked face she loves to display to intimidate people.

The Karina I saw that night is beyond unrecognizable. She looks so small and vulnerable with so much baggage from within. A far cry from Karina’s playful, brave, combative, and fearless persona that she always portrays.

Seeing her in that situation is like taking a glimpse again of that young woman in the hotel who begged me for wrong reasons.

Guilt kicked in me instantly. I know I’ve been a part of the pain she’s enduring.

I insulted her on our first meeting, threw curses at her whenever I had the chance, and kept on rubbing on her face how cheap she is when compared to Elizabeth.

It was my way of retaining my anger towards her and concealing my love for her which I unsuccessfully killed for the last eight years.

What I thought to be just a simple fascination turned out to be a full-blown love I never expected I would feel to the girl I mistakenly took as my father’s mistress so imagine my devastation when I witnessed her betrayal. Watching her go with another man after giving her the ring is like looking at my happiness disappear.

I can’t accept the fact that she left me for another man to support her family. It was a big blow to my ego and more so to my status as a Gastrell. If money is her only reason for agreeing to my plan then she could have just said it right away in my face. I will give her everything. If she was that disappointed with the cheap ring I gave her not knowing that it’s the only thing I could call mine because I earned the money outside of my family’s business then she shouldn’t have let her eyes sparkled with appreciation when I slid it in her finger.

It gave me false hope that we both felt the same thing.

For years, I have been in and out of casual relationships. I cannot commit to a woman because I cannot feel the connection I felt with Karina. My fling once told me how unfeeling I was. They say I’m just hot in bed but I’m as cold as ice when they show the motive to make our relationship more serious. I tried to get into a relationship to prove to myself that I was no longer trapped in Karina’s memory but we didn’t last long either. She left me because she said she couldn’t feel that I loved her. I should not use her to forget the woman I still love.

I felt guilty. She is a phenomenal woman for me to just use her to move on from my past love. From then on, I didn’t have a girlfriend. I made it clear to every woman I took to bed that it will be just a one-night stand. The frequent visit to La Vida Club kept me entertained during the nights when Karina’s disappearance haunt me but I never did go out with any woman there.

They made me remember her when she barged in my room in the club on that night which led our roads back to each other.

I hated her for leaving me. I hated myself for still dreaming about her. I hated myself for associating everyone with her.

But that fateful night changed my life yet again when she just came barging into my life back claiming that we are married and that I have a responsibility to her.

I would be lying if I said that I didn’t find her more attractive now. She has gotten more beautiful and refined but the young man inside me is disappointed. The young Cholo wanted to see the young Karina who needed me, the innocent girl who held my hand so tight with her cold and trembling rough hands, the girl in the sidewalk I caught in the windshield of my car gawking at me. The same girl who tore my heart open when I saw her walking out nervously of the comfort room wearing that blue bathrobe.

I needed her to be that helpless girl again so I could offer her my hand again and marry her. I needed to be her hero but looking at how she became the confident wicked woman I never thought she would be, I have to accept the truth that I will always be at her mercy. She doesn’t need me now the way I will always need her in my life.

She can leave me again. She will leave me again after she’s done with me.

There is definitely a reason for her coming back. I’m not blind to not see that the loss of sparkle in her eyes has meaning. Her real smile is gone. A calculated but dangerous glint replaced her eyes. Every time I notice her drifting away from the present, I can’t help but ask myself what happened to her in the past to make her like this.

When I saw her breaking down last night, something in me was broken too. It’s the first time she let me see her miserable state. Whatever it is, I wanted to trade places with her and own the pain.Belongs to (N)ôvel/Drama.Org.

What could have been the reason behind her tears every night? If it’s true that she loves me then what’s stopping her from telling me everything?

One word from my wife and I will be scrambling down to her feet offering her my everything. I will do everything for her, even sign that annulment paper if she asks me because I cannot stand the sadness in her eyes anymore. I will not hear any of her cry every night while she thinks I’m peacefully sleeping in the bed we both made.

Just like now.

I let another hour pass before getting up and going downstairs. I didn’t have to look for my wife in the whole house. She’s on the sofa again, her favorite spot, sleeping in a fetal position. She is tightly holding on to the blanket with half of it on the floor so that only her knee down to her feet is covered.

Sighing, I picked up the blanket slowly and covered her all the way to her shoulders. I made sure I made no sound as I sat on the floor and just stared at her untroubled face.

I raised my hand to caress her cheek which I immediately put down for fear of waking her up. I know it’s hard for her to fall asleep. Last night, it took her three hours to doze off. I leaned on the other sofa and stared at my wife. I watch for the blanket to fall off when she moves.

“I never knew that a woman could be at her most beautiful when sleeping,” I whispered and smiled when Karina sniffed out of nowhere and went back to sleep.

I stood up for a moment to make coffee then returned to my seat to look at my wife again. My eyes focused on her slightly open lips. Smiling to myself, I turned my gaze to another part of her face because I was getting too hot, just like the cup of coffee in my hand.

My eyes landed at her cute little nose. Actually, my wife has baby-like features that are even more highlighted when she doesn’t have her make-up on. She has a symmetrical small face with arched brows, big round eyes and fuller lips. She’s got a mole on her left ear just above the earlobe which I love to pinch and play until I fall asleep.

Karina moved with her back to me and hugged a throw pillow causing the blanket to slide up to her legs. I moved closer to her and fixed the blanket back to her body.

I spent a few more hours staring at her before I got up and washed the cup that I used. I checked the time and found that it’s already four in the morning. She’ll surely wake up any minute from now.

I first lifted the blanket up to her neck before heading to our room. Thirty minutes passed and I could hear the door opening and closing. I didn’t move and continued pretending to be asleep.

The bed moved as she laid beside me and hugged my arms. I couldn’t stop myself. I put her in my arms and kissed her on the head.

“Are you awake?” she softly asked.

I shook my head and buried my face in her hair. My hands immediately went to her ear and fondled it. I automatically feel sleepy.

“No,” I murmured. “Let’s just sleep some more, please.”

She just moved her head and buried her face in my chest.

I smiled and kissed her head wishing that there will never come a time that I’ll be sleeping in here alone.