shuhaige
SIXTY
I don’t know how I got home. I just found myself inside the room. I just took off my clothes and then sat on the floor. I don’t want to cry but I can’t help it. My life is meaningless. It’s tiring to get hurt over and over again.
Do I deserve this fucking life?
“FUCK!” I scream as loud as I can. “FUCK THIS FUCKING LIFE!” I punched the floor. I don’t even feel the pain. Even though I could see that my fist was bleeding, I still didn’t stop punching. I am so fucked up. I am so fucking tired of this fucking pain.
Do I not deserve to be happy? Do I not deserve to be loved? Do I really need to be hurt again and again? Do I have no peace in my life?
Is this my karma for what I did before? Because if yes, why does it seem like too much? Why do I feel like I don’t deserve it? Or maybe I just said that because I was hurt? Maybe I really deserve this to happen?
The three came to me. I just cried while they continued to lick me. They kept meowing while I continued to cry.
“I love your mommy very much.” As if they can answer me. “She says she loves me but why can’t she remember me? Why did she forget me?”I drank the wine and finished. I’m fed up. tired.
The door suddenly opened and Lauren entered.
“Hubby? Are you drunk?” I didn’t answer and just continued drinking. “Hubby, stop.” She pulled me away and then took the wine from my hand. “What is happening to you? what’s going on here?”
“Don’t mind me.”
“You three leave and your daddy and I will talk.” The three quickly followed and immediately leave. “Hubby, what’s wrong with you?”
“I don’t have a problem, I just want to drink.” My nose was blocked and I was about to drink again when Lauren pulled me away.
“You’re drunk.”
“I’m not drunk, don’t pay attention to me.” I grabbed my hand from her. “Let me do what I want to do.”
“I said stop. Oh my God.” She touched my hand and looked at my fist. “What is this?”
“I said don’t mind me. Get out of there.”
“Hubby. What is the problem?”
“Can’t you understand? I said nothing.”
“I’m not leaving until you tell me. Hubby, please tell me.”
“You, you’re my problem, Lauren.”
“Huh? Why me?”
“You and your fucking amnesia.”
“Hubby, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that my amnesia would have a big effect on you.”
“Big? It’s not just big, because my life is affected by your amnesia. Here. This Lauren. The pain here.” I punched my chest. “You said you love me. Wife, you said we will continue this marriage. But why did you forget me? Why don’t you remember me? If you really loved me why did you forget me?”
I cried as I could. I don’t want to look pitiful in front of her. I don’t want to beg for her love. But I’m already hurt by the situation between the two of us. The longer they were together and they were still seeing each other I was having a hard time. I do not know. It’s even better if I just give up on her than to be hurt like this every day.
“You said you love me. But why did you forget?”
“Hubby, I’m sorry. I did not mean it. I didn’t mean to forget you.”
“I love you so much, Lauren. I love you. You are not the first but I want you to be the last. I want to be with you forever. I hope you are mine again. I hope it’s just me again.”
“Hubby.”
“But I can’t force you. Because I know that no matter what I do, you still love him. I don’t want to lose you but I’m hurting, Lauren. I’m hurt so I’m letting you go. Let’s finish and let each other go.”
“I thought you love me?”
“Yes, but you love him. I don’t want to get hurt, Lauren. You don’t remember me so I can’t fight you. Leave me and go away. I’m setting you free so you can be happy.”
“What if I do not want to? What if I want to stay with you?”
“Lauren, please, don’t torture me. I’m tired of being hurt. Please, leave me alone.”
“What if I love you too?”
“What do—-”
“What if I love you again? That even though I don’t remember if I really loved you before, I have learned to love you now. What if I love you too.”
“Wife?” My tears fell while looking at her. She cupped my face and was crying too.
“What they say is true. The mind forgets but the heart does not. When I woke up and found out that I was actually married I was angry at myself for letting it happen. I love Hendrick, that’s true. He is the one I dreamed of being with for life and no one else. But while I’m with you. As I see how you understand and take care of me, little by little I feel like I’m falling for you.”
“Wife.”
“I stopped my feelings, hubby. Because I want to be loyal to Hendrick. I want to fulfill my promise to him and to myself that it’s just him, that it’s just us. But I couldn’t stop myself. Because, the longer it goes on, the deeper my feelings for you get.”
“Wife.” I don’t know what to say. All I could do was cry while she accompanied me.
“I know everything about your past because aunt Laura told me. But I don’t hate you. And I have nothing to hate. What I have in my heart is a pity because of what happened to you before and love. Love that I don’t know why I felt because I knew I loved someone else.”
“You love Me?”
“I love you, hubby.”
“But you have Hendrick?”
“We’re. I broke up with him now. He offered me to marry him after our parent’s deal. But I refused. I told him I wanted to continue this marriage. Whether my memory comes back or not, I want to stay by your side.”
“But what if your memories come back and you don’t love me?”
“I will love you again. I will love you over and over again because I know like now, even if my mind won’t remember you, my heart will remember you.”
“Wife. I love you.”
“I love you too, hubby. Just like you, you’re not my first love but I want you to be my last. It’s you, hubby. Is that possible, hubby?”
“Yes, because I won’t let you get lost.” I pulled her and kissed her torridly. She didn’t hesitate to return my kiss while clinging to my neck. I will make sure after this you remember something, Lauren. Because I will remind you of how I tickled you before and how you moaned my name while our bodies danced to the music that only we could hear.Content (C) Nôv/elDra/ma.Org.
The beats of our hearts.
The music of our collision.