BAIDER (ENGLISH VERSION)

ANMELA’S POV

After the dinner, we spent time together at the circus. It was so much fun, but Laurent did not seem happy. He was faking his smile. So do I.

When I laid on the bed after the tiring day, my mind was filled with thoughts about him.

I think he is married or maybe he does not want to marry me? If he is married, why is he always here beside me? He is giving his full time to me. The only possibility is it is either he has a family or he has another girlfriend?

No! It can not be!

I could not understand what I was going to think. It was giving pain in my head.

If so, what would I do?

That was why he said, ‘Don’t give your whole world to me’? When he said that, there seemed to be a hidden reason, why? After that night he was so filled with respect for me that even my thigh he did not want to see.

I can’t understand him.

What else do I not know? About him? About his family?

My tears flowed to my cheek as I felt the fear in my heart.

What would happen to me if my suspension is correct? What will I do if I lose him?

I don’t want to ruin his family just in case.

*******

A month had passed. My parents returned to the province because they said they had a job there. I stayed in Makati because my job is here.

I want my family to be here, but they are not used to living here.

Ever since I asked about marriage it has never left my mind.

Why did he not want to marry me?

Whenever he was here I was often quiet. He asked me if I had a problem, and my answer was always ‘just tired.’

“I have something for you!” Laurent came in from the outside.

I forced a smile on him. I wanted it to be genuine, but it showed the fake one.

Why, Laurent? Why don’t you marry me? Am I not enough for you?

He brought the food out from the paper bag to the table. I stared at him with no energy at all. He came over and touched my forehead.

“Are you sick?” He said worriedly. He held my neck as well.

I shook my head from left to right direction. “No, just a little tired,” I reasoned out even though the real reason was the marriage.

“Do we have a problem?” I was surprised by his question. Out of nowhere he asked that meaningful lines. “I’m always looking at you. You always seem to be far away. You are thinking about something.”

He sat down next to me. “Tell me.” His eyes were showing the pleas. I could see the tears on his eyes welling up.

I just looked at him and shook my head. “No, I’m just tired. I came from duty.” I faked a laugh.

My problem is why you have not invited me to get married yet.

The guilt consumed me as the tears flowed on his cheek. I was not expecting that Mr. Baider would cry in front of me.

“Why? Do you have anyone else? Don’t you love me anymore? Are you tired of me?” He asked one question after another. “Tell me, my love.”

My tears were already dripping from the heaviness of emotion. He was already sobbing as he covered his face with his hands.

I do not want to ask why he has not invited me to get married yet because if he wants he will automatically say it.

Right? The truth is he would not marry me. I was feeling sure of that.

“No problem. I’m just really tired.” I comforted him and caressed his back.

“Really?” He looked at me while he was still crying. “I’m sorry. I just can’t help but think of you. Your head is filled with unknown thoughts to me. I don’t know, Anmela. Is it… another guy?”

“No!” I shook my head recklessly. I was also crying due to the painful sensation that was living in my heart.

I can’t tell him.

“I’m just really tired at work because it’s been a few months since I passed the board.” I lied. That made me more guilty.

“Is that all?” He was making sure. His eyebrows raised up.

I nodded and hugged him. He also hugged me tightly.

“You can leave me if you love someone.”

I was shocked when he said those words as if that was so easy on him. That made my heart stab into the most painful way.

Does he not know how much I love him? He is the only man I love and I am willing to marry him. That is all I want. Make him marry me.

“Is it easy for you to leave?” I managed not to show him my anger. It was suffocating my heart. I was suffering from heartache even though I knew that it was just a simple misunderstanding.

I could not stop my annoyance, I stood up but my voice was still calm. I did not want to shout at him. “Laurent, we are not going to leave each other.”

“That’s the right thing to do. Just love someone, not me. Go and find somebody that will make you happy and content. I’m not that man, Anmela Eris.”

His eyes were telling me that he did not care if I left him and was with another man. It was as if he was here, but far from me. I was scared that he was telling that because he would drive me away again like before. Like we first met.

“I’m sorry, but I need to leave you.” He looked down, trying to hide the pain of his emotion. I could see that the liquid coming from his eyes was dripping. He would not deny that his heart was aching from the very moment.

“Are you breaking up with me?”

“Yes!”

I was stunned. I could not move my body. It was like someone threw me cold water that made me freeze. My eyes were glued on him. I wanted him to say that he was just joking.

Suddenly, the fear crawled to my heart and ripped into small tiny pieces.

Did I hear him right? He said yes?

Is he leaving me? He does not love me anymore?

“Laurent…” I gasped for air to sustain the difficulties in my breathing due to the uncomparable pain that was living in my heart.

“Let’s…” The droplet of tears became stream on his face as he looked away from me, “break up, Anmela.”

My whole world collapsed and my chest ached terribly.

How many years? How many years have we been together and then he just leaves me? Like this? Like-no one? As if we have not spent happy memories together? How do we end up like this?

No!

There was a heavy blockage in my chest that I no longer knew what to do. The two of us cried loudly. That hurts.

“Leave me because I can’t be good to you.” His voice was low, almost the air said that. “Leave me. I promised, you’ll be happier than what you are now.”

“Laurent…” I sat down because of the weakness of my knee. “We shouldn’t end up like this, please don’t.”

“I don’t want to either.” He focused his hand on the table. It was as if he was also weakening. “I just don’t know what to do. We can’t be together. We can’t make our family. Us is just us. We can’t be together for life because we’re not for each other. It’s complicated, but trust me this is for your own good.”

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I wanted to ask that but I did not have the courage to hear the truth for whatever reason he had. I am scared.

“I’m happy that I met you. I’m happy that once in my lifetime I experienced how to love someone. It’s just that… you’re not for me.”

My crying got worse. He was really leaving me for real. He was not kidding or pranking me. He is saying goodbye!

For our years of being together, he did not say that he was going anywhere without me. I was always in his plan.

What makes the difference?

Laurent…

He turned around but his walk seemed to be very weak. Every step he did was just slow. Every move he made made my heart crack.

“Goodbye, Baby Girl.” What he said was not absorbing in my mind. I was like sitting with my mouth open, watching him. I almost got all the air that I could get, just to calm myself, but it was not working.

“Thank you for everything.” He whispered in the air.

He walked out. When realization hits me. I stood up, ran faster and chased him by holding his hand.

“Don’t leave me, please! I really don’t have a problem. I want you by my side! Please!” I could no longer describe the pain I had in my chest. Crying so much was a symbol of my love for him.

We were happy before. Why did it suddenly become like this? It was all my fault.

I got on my knees and bowed. “Don’t please. I can’t, please, please, please,” I begged him but he didn’t listen to me. “‘Don’t leave me,’ he removed my grip on his knee and walked away quickly.

I chased him and chased him until we got outside. People are already looking at us because we are both crying. When I caught up with him I hugged him and cried on his chest.

“I can’t live without you, Laurent. You know. You are the only one I have loved all my life. What would I be without you? ”

He caressed my hair in a gentle way, he gave distance to our bodies and stared at my face. “I can’t be with you anymore, Anmela Eris.”

“Why?”

“Because…” He looked down. I would never expect the next thing he said. “I love someone else. I’m sorry.”